A brief manifesto and laundry list
I’ve been looking at this topic lately, and it seems to me that most of what I’ve found on the subject is frivolous, cartoonish or just plain empty-headed. Bond villains are no help – they’re overblown caricatures who monologue endlessly. And it seems to me that the Great Dictators and Mega-Billionaires are too haphazard and random in their attempts. They get a long way down the road, but then trip themselves up through hubris or a failure to plan effectively. I intend to put the skids to this wasteful wandering. Let’s start with a few questions.
First: why should one want to take over/blow up the world? The most obvious answer is control. We wish to control how other people act, how they interact, even how they think. Failing that, we want to trash the whole failed experiment and start over in our own image. And no one with a brain can conclude that the experiment hasn’t failed.
Second: what is the expected outcome? A massive heap of gold and skulls for you to sit upon, cackling madly – a worker’s paradise where everything is shared equally – a massive, world-wide hierarchical theocracy with one almighty prophet in the driver’s seat – or possibly an apolitical, atheist vegan matriarchal society where men are sex slaves and mindless laborers? Define the limits, decide who gets the goods and why. Remember that freedom isn’t free – it’s also messy and hellishly difficult to maintain. Monarchy is far simpler, but hardly innocent.
Third: decide upon the method to be employed. Violence or diplomacy? Open acquisition or clandestine sneakery? Is this to be a financial or religious or political or psycho/sexual takeover? How much fun is anticipated in the process? (It’s important.) Will there be a party after, and if so, who’s invited? Does any new or dangerous technology need to be implemented, and why? What battlefield will you use – financial, political, ideological?
(Note – this study presumes that a partial takeover of the world, or just one aspect of it – say grabbing all the money – is not a sufficiently challenging or worthy task. Narrow-visioned politicians, grubby-handed bankers and delusional generals need not apply.)
Fourth: start working out the broad details. Will you need minions? How many, and will they be robots, humans or zombies? (That’s actually not meant to be humorous.) You will need a base – secret or public? Isolated tropical island or metropolitan hi-rise? How much working capital will be required per year? What sort of political capital is needed? Any extra education or extra certifications required? When does the plan go into effect? What’s the projected finish date? Are there any broad milestones to map out? Decide on a line of succession beforehand.
After this, it’s all minor details and daily planning. Remember, the devil is in the details. Keep the Big Picture always in mind, but spend adequate time to work out the important points. Disasters, reversals and pesky government agents are bound to happen. Plan for them, watch for them and deal with them according to plan. Plan thoroughly, but be prepared to depart from the plan if the situation warrants it. Flexibility is key to world domination. And a cat. (Not kidding.)
Laundry list
So, it occurs to me that the only real difference between an evil genius and a benefactor of mankind is the way they treat other people. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, if people don’t like you, they’ll go out of their way to wreck your plans. The genius in question can be designing computers, or making drugs, or selling weapons of mass destruction – the difference is still only in the public relations. Good guys may not always finish first, but Bad guys finish badly. So, the lesson is – treat people nice and you can get away with all kinds of shit.
Not all Bad guys finish in prison – the smartest ones are invisible, they go out of their way to attract NO attention to themselves. You want to be bad? Be invisible.
Good guys are not always Nice guys. Nice guys almost always finish last (and rarely get laid), because they’re not geared for aggression. You can’t be a wallflower and expect to take over the world. Hell, most people won’t even take you seriously.
Insanity is neither necessary for world domination, nor is it a positive hindrance, as long as you can still function semi-normally and issue comprehensible orders. A little bit of chaos can be a good thing – too much cancels your ticket.
Being called ‘insane’ and being actually insane are two very different things.
It is sometimes useful to be branded ‘insane’ by the bulk of humanity. There’s a certain amount of cache that goes with ‘insane’ – it makes people think ‘genius’.
The reason you should have a cat, instead of a dog? Cats are aloof, dogs are servile. Cats require minimal attention (most of them), and are quiet much of the time. Dogs are noisy, slavish attention whores. Cat owners are seen as intelligent, cool customers. Dog owners are much more homey, average-joe types. Image is important. Either type of animal is likely to end up being your only friend. It’s a lonely job, running everything.
Choose your narrative carefully. If you’re going to start a new religion (a popular choice), be certain that you’re all about love and peace – your followers can be trusted to add the hatred and violence on their own.
Get plenty of exercise and eat right. Nobody likes a flabby dictator.
Whenever possible (if you’re male), include sex as one of your personal perks. Power is a well-known aphrodisiac, and gives you the ability to choose among prospective mates, or cycle through them at will. Keep in mind that certain types of behavior tend one toward the ‘evil’ and away from the ‘good’ side of public opinion, but even this is not absolute. However, monogamy is probably not indicated, even for the good side. Marriage and world domination rarely go together. For the ladies: Women who shuffle through a succession of lovers are rarely seen as ‘good’, no matter what the objective truth may be. A sad artifact of our culture, true, but flaunt it at your peril. Keep your boyfriends invisible and quiet. Preferably chained.
You do not have to be a genius in order to take over the world – in fact, high intelligence is often a hindrance in this arena. Our greatest dictators and generalissimos were men of fairly average intellect, for the most part. Alexander was borderline brilliant, but Hitler was probably only a little smarter than average. Stalin was nearly a moron. Supremely intelligent people have the sad habit of second-guessing themselves into immobility, and you must be decisive to succeed at world domination.
Being a borderline sociopath may actually be a terrific indicator for world conquest – the opinions are still divided on this point.
No matter what your final aim, you must be able to speak and write well and convincingly. Grand Schemes do no good if they’re trapped inside your head.
I highly recommend creating and writing out your own Manifesto. It helps to get your ideas down on paper – that way you can see how stupid they really are. I would not show your Manifesto to anyone, though – especially if your Last Resort option includes blowing up the world. People rarely find that funny.
Expect rivals – plan for them. Remember your Sun Tzu – turn your enemies into friends if you can. Failing that, make your success crucial to theirs. Failing that, incapacitate them and leave them with the knowledge that you could have destroyed them. As a last resort, destroy them utterly. The idea that every powerful individual needs a powerful enemy is ridiculous. Convert ‘em or wipe ‘em out.
A note for those who don’t really know who they are, or what they want, they just kinda think they might like to run things – GET OUT! No, seriously – stop reading this and go and figure yourself out. Come back when you’re solid. There’s no room in this world for half-assed dictators or uncertain messiahs. Seems harsh? I promise you I’m not being harsh enough.
Is it necessary to topple governments and enslave the planet in order to Rule the World? Hardly. Rock stars do it every day, and most of them have no idea what they’re doing. There is no absolute need to be violent in order to Rule the World. Think of Gandhi, who kicked the British Empire out of India by calling a hunger strike. Or Shakespeare, who fundamentally changed all literature by simply writing plays – he wasn’t even particularly famous in his own lifetime! SECRET INGREDIENT: it’s the narrative. All the world runs on stories. Find the right one, and you too can Rule the World. Don’t believe it? Ask J.K. Rowling or Stephen King.
A few notes about Image. This is a part of your narrative – make sure they’re consistent. Find your Style, own it, work it for all its worth. Get help if you need to, but take it seriously. People are looking at you – believe it. Additional note: guys – jeans and a t shirt is NOT a good look for world domination. Never underestimate the value of a bespoke suit.
Treatment of minions – a little consideration goes a long way. Cancel the whippings – let them have that BBQ on company time. Nothing is more hazardous to your dreams of world domination than a group of pissed-off minions looking to get revenge on you. Now, that doesn’t mean you’ve got to be buddies with them – that’s actually almost as damaging. You’re the boss, they’re the minions. But be sure to get them whatever they need to do their jobs. In turn, they will make you look like the genius you are.
Have an Escape Plan. Even the most air-tight, iron-clad Plan can go straight to Hell in a few seconds. Know how to get out of trouble if you can, know when you’ve passed the point of No Return, know when to punch out. Remember: fail to plan = plan to fail.
Whether you go for open aggression or sneaky diplomacy in your bid to Take Control of All is another style choice. They both work, is all I’m saying – be open to using all your options.
You’ve done your homework, right? No? Reading assignment: The Prince by Machiavelli, The Art of War by Sun Tzu, Think and Grow Rich by Hill, and any ‘Evil Overlord List’ (or ‘Benevolent Ruler’ list) found on the internet. Knowledge is power, after all.
Hubris is your biggest weakness and greatest enemy. If you ever catch yourself thinking that you are unstoppable, or invulnerable, or the greatest (whatever) that has ever been – think again. There will always be a loophole somewhere that you missed. Have a backup plan ready.
Don’t forget the cat.
TGC
In loving memory of Lizzie, my partner in conquest.