I was thinking recently about what I need to do next in order to move into my future and suddenly realized that I was desperately trying to divert myself from the subject. I can only think of one reason I might do that – I’m afraid. But is that true? If it were just about my writing or my painting – maybe. Those are the places where I have the most to lose and am the most vulnerable. It would make sense that I would be afraid. (An additional issue, of course, is that because I’m also a narcissist, I’m rarely afraid of the usual things.) But I was thinking about it on the drive to work the other day, and apparently, I distract myself from everything. I just seem to be all about wasting time. And I can’t have that. Or can I?

            There’s a nugget of possibility at the beginning of a different stream: “I need to find better ways to waste my time.” Huh. I currently see ‘watching videos, napping, eating (junk) and sitting (doing nothing)’ as “wasting time”. Part of the reason I do these things is because they’re empty-headed time eaters, yes. But in some twisted way, they’re also fun. I like fun – I want more fun in my life. But it occurs to me that I’m picking the wrong fun by default.

            You know what I think is fun? Journaling (not Writing – that’s too serious), Sketching (as opposed to Painting – same reason), Acting, Singing, Reading and doing New Stuff. Next thought: If I have structured several habits around important things (Writing, Painting, Exercise, the job), what’s to stop me from using unstructured time to do fun things? I’d rather do fun things than waste time. I just have to redefine fun to my subconscious. Huh. Interesting.

            Slightly different question – and one that I don’t think I’ve ever phrased this way: What do I ACTUALLY have to do to move into my future and create my legacy? I know I need to write at least five days a week – six would be better. Already have a format for that. I know I should paint as often as I can. Also have a habit that covers this. I already have an exercise habit. Just need to keep that up and keep pushing as well as I can. All very well, but not really enough. What else should I do? Well, how about the previous list? Journaling, Sketching, Acting, Singing, Reading and doing New Stuff. Okay, that’s a good start.

            However, it seems to me, that if I want to attain the da Vinci level of polymath (hey, I can dream, can’t I?), then I also need to branch out into science and math again. That could be more difficult. Sounds like fun, though. And it could only help my science fiction writing. Hmm.

            If I stop thinking of ‘wasting time’ as a boring and unproductive use of my spare time and started thinking of it as having a little fun, I think this would be the key. But let’s not put any particular structure on it. Leave that to writing, painting and exercise.

            I think what I need to do is to leave projects or books or websites in my way, to be picked up when the spirit takes me, and put down again without guilt or remorse. This way, the whole process of conquering my reading list, sketching every day, learning new math, building rockets or anything else I want to do will become organic, free-flowing and fun. No pressure. This tack shows the most promise, of anything I’ve considered, to point me in the right direction.

            The trick comes in my mental outlook. If I try to restrict myself away from anything, I rush back to pick it up again and guard it closely. At 67, I’m still basically a small child. But if I give myself a new set of toys, the old ones are quickly forgotten. It works the same way with math, sculpture or food. Don’t deny myself anything – rather, allow myself to have fun.

            Another simple hack to make this whole business as seamless as possible – take a hint from my writing and painting. With both of those pursuits, I have everything I need already set up, pre-loaded, ready to go. All I have to do is turn on my computer or take the cover off my latest painting. Everything is ready to go. Rafi likes to say that if it takes you more than two steps to get into your art, you’re never going to do it. Too much resistance. I agree.

            A few ideas for front-loading projects:

• Reading list – keep no more than four books out and ready to pick up, four different genres.
• Journaling – I already carry a paper journal with my laptop. Just take it out of the bag.
• Sketching – I have a sketchbook in the same bag – same thing. (I also have a small watercolor kit in there too, in case I want to branch out.)
• Acting – I need to keep checking the audition lists for local theatres. Also try to get on casting lists for local agents.
• Singing – stay current with the church group, but don’t depend on them. Look for other groups in the local area.
• Math – start re-acquainting myself with Khan Academy. Pick it up at Trigonometry, then refresher through Calc 2. Khan only goes up to Differential Equations and Linear Algebra, so – books after that.
• Science – find a better home for the telescope, rebuild the science lab.
• Other projects and interests as they occur to me.

Yeah, I think that ought to do it. Anyone reading this, please feel free to borrow any idea here or expand on them to suit yourself. Onward!

pax et ama

bcd

            I’ve touched on this in other blogs, but maybe I haven’t been clear enough – science fiction is not just a game of ‘what if?’ It’s not just for fun or easily dismissed entertainment. It’s also a deadly serious inquiry into scientific possibility and possible futures. The best practitioners of the genre can produce some outright spooky results. Witness Jules Verne, who in From the Earth to the Moon predicted that the trip to the moon would be made from the Florida coast, in a rocket ship carrying three people, on a journey that took three days. Remarkably accurate prediction from a story written a hundred years before the Apollo moon landings. When Verne wrote his novel, the Wright Brothers had not yet flown at Kitty Hawk.

            Now, while science fiction (and science fantasy, like Star Trek) have predicted and possibly spurred interest in several of the advanced technologies we have today, this is not really what I mean. Technologies are not really the point of science fiction. Sci-Fi is actually about taking what we already know about science and human nature, and projecting possibilities into the future. It’s the modern version of prophecy. It’s often called ‘futurism’.

            A number of science-fiction authors (notably Asimov) have called themselves ‘futurists’, and if pressed on the subject, I would admit to the same. Like many other science fiction authors, I find that I can peer into the future and see both triumph and tragedy. These visions prompt people like me to write out their hopes and fears and disperse them to the general public. The idea being to get others to run toward or away from these possible futures. Sometimes this works – sometimes it backfires.

            In an earlier blog, (The Problem of Prediction), I said that the biggest problem in trying to see into the future is not in overreaching, but in a desire to be more conservative in one’s outlook. If the futurist reaches too far, there’s a chance that he could be wrong. But if he is conservative, he will absolutely be wrong. In that same blog I went through my own predictions for the coming years – which I will not go over again. I want to treat a different issue, something I will call ‘The Toynbee Convector’, after a story by the same name from Ray Bradbury.

            In his story, Ray proposed the idea that stories are not just fiction for entertainment’s sake. Stories alter the future, by showing us what’s possible – for good or ill – and if enough people believe the story, all of humanity will do their best to conform to the arc of the story. This means that when we tell ourselves positive, hopeful stories about the future, we sow the seeds for a bright tomorrow. But by the same token, when we fixate on stories of urban decay, endless war and the collapse of civilization, we inevitably sow the seeds for a dark and dismal future. What I see all around me at this fragile point of history is exactly that – acres of dystopian fiction and tales glorifying war and murder. We are setting ourselves up for destruction, and we are doing so blindly and willingly. I believe I may have been placed here, at this time in history, to alter it.

            That probably sounds like an awful lot of hubris but hear me out. Every singer-songwriter believes that the world can be made right with the application of emotion – ‘All You Need is Love’, and such. Each playwright/screenwriter thinks that by showing us the dark underbelly of society, we can be shocked into cleaning ourselves up. Visual artists are all over the map, trying to show us their individual interpretations of the reality they see. Too many writers, I think, try to follow trends in ‘reader appetite’, in the hope of selling more work. This is certainly a way to make a living as a writer. It is no way to write anything important. And all writers, no matter how jaded or mercenary, wish to write something ‘important’. I am no different. However, massive amounts of money or Best-Seller status have never been a driver for me. I wouldn’t turn down either one, but neither will I seek them out. This, I believe, gives me an edge.

            I am no more selfless or altruistic than any other writer. My axes need grinding, same as anyone’s. But I know for a fact that writers are among the most powerful people on the planet. We create stories that go out and inform, uplift and encourage. Or we can create horrors that darken the mind and cast doubt on the future. In either event, writers can and do change the world. My ambition, if you will, is to join my voice to the thousands of others who shine a light on the upward path. As I have said many times before – I want to write the words that others need to read. If that is pride, then I’m willing to endure the fallout.

            Many writers want to write epic fantasy. Many others want to write hard-nosed science fiction. I want to write epic science-fiction and hard-nosed fantasy. My intention is to write fantasy novels that show how people can rise up against impossible forces and win. I want to write science-fiction that points a way through the darkness and into the light. It’s a big job, but I think I can do it. I think I have to.

            I’m about to take some steps that could kick my writing into overdrive. We’ll just have to wait and see how this thing pans out. Nothing may come of it – I know that. But I feel I have to at least try to change the world into the best one that I can foresee. I’ll let you know.

            Be good to each other.

            bcd

            Am I a Man of Thought, or a Man of Action? That idea smacked me in the forehead a bit ago. Most guys try to be one or the other – but then, I’m not most guys.

            When I was young, I was exclusively a Kid of Thought. I was a reader, a dreamer, an artist and schemer. But I desperately wanted to be a Man of Action – I wanted to be Indiana Jones before there even was an Indiana Jones. When I joined the Air Force, I threw myself into the Man of Action persona … with mixed reviews. I didn’t really know how to do the stuff I thought I could do. For many years afterwards, I was neither. My actions were all desperate and pointless, my thoughts all jumbled and dark. I flopped incessantly between wanting to do stuff and wanting to create stuff – doing and creating nothing, just wanting to.

            Now I’m in a position where I am doing some things – not rapidly, mind you, but still. And I am also creating things out of nothing but thought. Again – not quickly. Certainly not as quickly as I would like. And so, the question asks itself: ‘Which should I be, a Man of Thought or a Man of Action?’ And I ask back: ‘Why can’t I be both?’

            It’s late in the game for me – I can’t waffle back and forth forever. I insist on creating as much as I can for as long as I can. However, I want to do things, as well – I want to travel, I want to invent and build and fly. It seems to me that the typical either/or answer to this question is just not sufficient. Let’s see if we can create a better answer.

            I’ve spent too much time and ink already answering the Lameist objection to being both a Thinker and a Doer – that no one can do both, it’s just too difficult. My simplest answer is: ‘It may be too difficult for normal people, but I’ve never been normal.’ I absolutely can do both, I already do. Not going to go into the ridiculously long list of past accomplishments or present capabilities. I know what I can do – other people just need to pay attention. My issue is, how can I do more of both? Time is short.

            There are dozens, hundreds, possibly thousands of different ways that people recommend (and get paid a lot of money to recommend) to other people on ways to do more in less time. I’ve never found a single system that works for me for more than a week. The primary hold-up, for me, seems to be whether or not I want to do a thing. Any task – no matter how difficult – if I really have an itch to do it, I will spend hours, days sometimes, focused on the task until I get it done. But if it’s something I really don’t want to do, even if it’s simple or quick, I will avoid doing it at all costs. Productivity gurus would say, ‘Well, okay – just do the thing you don’t like first and get it out of the way so that you can do what you want.’ Nope. My refusal to do the hated thing will stop everything else from happening. Horrifying.

            There has to be some way to just power through the odious tasks in order to get to the ones I want to do. Who knows? Maybe it really is just as simple as adulting my way through the crappy stuff early in the day so I can be child-like and play for the rest of the day. But in the back of my mind there’s a voice that says, ‘There’s a better way.’

            Now, what would this ‘better way’ consist of? Well, I know what it can’t be. It can’t involve trying to fool myself or hypnotize myself – those don’t work on me. I have been fooled occasionally by others. But once I see through the deception, I never trust the source again. Any better way cannot involve ‘pumping myself up’ to get the job done. I simply turn my back on such foolishness. I don’t respond to bribes or threats – at all. If I am told (even by myself) that I MUST do a certain thing by a certain time, my stubborn streak kicks in. I have a real issue with deadlines as a result. However – I have learned over the past year or so that I can make deadlines work for me. It’s all in how I phrase it to myself. Now there’s the beginning of an idea.

            For simpler or quick tasks, I find that if I get up and do the thing immediately, without thinking about it, I just get it done. Two or three things can be done in short order.

            What if I re-phrase the entry to the longer or more boring tasks? If I say to myself, ‘If I just do A and get it done, I can go on and do B as much as I’d like’. Simple logic, no ultimatums. That might work.

            For more protracted cases, I could set a time limit on Task A – a half hour or an hour – and then play the rest of the day. That might also work. And if I take a little longer, no harm.

            It’s possible I can also turn my stubbornness into an asset. By changing my POV and turning a ‘job’ into a ‘project’, I can engage all my resources into getting things done. I’ve painted several rooms in the house this way.

            My only real issue after that comes from ‘time-wasting’ activities: YouTube and reading manga, for instance. With those things, I also need to set time limits, or they end up eating entire days. I don’t want to avoid them entirely; I get a lot of relaxation from these things. Moderation in all things is a good rule.

            Overall, I think that mindfulness is probably the rule of the day. No need to belabor things, or overschedule, or fret and fume. In the words of Yoda, ‘Do, or Do not. There is no Try’. Seems like a plan.

pax et ama

bcd

            Initial caveat, and something like an apology. It’s been some time since I posted anything on this site, sorry. In my own defense, it’s been a bitch of a year, so far. Enough. For the caveat: I keep coming back to this subject, but I do so because too many people just don’t understand it – but want to look like experts anyway. So, here you go.

            I read and hear and see so much about genius and creativity and what it takes to think like a genius or how to increase your creativity. It’s all bullshit. These people have no idea what they’re talking about, especially those who should know better – those in the medical community. Genius is not something that can be trained. Creativity is only narrowly inheritable. You can’t do this, and furthermore, you don’t want this. Let’s see if you follow my thinking.

            There is a common belief in many if not most people, which says, “Everyone is creative.” Nonsense. Very few people are truly creative. Creativity requires not only openness and courage, but high intelligence and deep sensitivity. It requires broad experience, the ability to make unlikely connections between highly disparate thoughts and physical items, and an ability to see the nonsense in sensibility. Nothing is less likely than the possibility that everyone is creative. And you don’t want to be creative. I promise you that.

            To be creative is to be weird. Creatives are usually outcasts. To be creative is to have absolutely no interests in common with ordinary people. Creative people dance with madness and self-destruction, they chase shadows and illusions, they commune with voices from beyond the ordinary world of humans. Conversely, they are buoyed up with a joy that most people don’t even know is possible. They exist in a realm of light and color that is extremely difficult to communicate to others. Yet somehow, they feel they must bring this knowledge to people. This never really works well.

            Any art form you care to name, any science, any mathematical treatise – are all lame, all insufficient to transmit the beauty and truth that a creative sees all too clearly. And yet, they keep trying. They can’t help it. Creatives are driven to express themselves and their ideas in whatever limping format or inefficient terms they can manage. They ache to pass on the visions they have been given. And they struggle, often for years, to try to make their ideas clear.

            Now, if this sounds like the old trope of a ‘high and lonely calling’, or any such bullshit that makes artists sound like supermen, it’s not. Is it lonely? Very often, yes. A high calling? Well, that sort of depends on the artist, doesn’t it? There have probably been far more selfish, perverted and outrightly wicked creatives throughout history than there have been saints. In fact, I would argue that much of the checkered reaction of the common throng to creative types is due to just the fact that they are as broken and bloody handed as the rest of us. They are also, apparently, far more susceptible to mental illness.

            One survey of people with what used to be known as manic-depressive syndrome estimates that roughly 10% of people suffer some form of depression, including bipolar syndrome. This percentage is closer to 40 or 50% in creatives. Creatives may be more likely to have a serious narcissistic complex, or to be sociopathic or even psychopathic. It’s a dangerous thing, to be creative – not only to oneself, but also to others. However, please realize that these problems and their associated ‘pluses’ are generally only an issue for hardcore, genius-level creatives. There is another type that doesn’t suffer as much and can still call themselves ‘creative’.

            Many people can and do learn how to paint, how to sing, how to dance, even how to write. With practice they can become quite good. But they’re generally good at doing the same things that others have done before them. Within those boundaries, they can be considered creative. They should be proud of their work and the effort they put into it; I’m not trying to disparage them at all. But every one of them, upon trying to push their chosen artform past a certain point, will hit a ceiling. This will discourage many, because they will find that, while they can create many beautiful things, they cannot create new beautiful things. They may even feel or hear or see shadows of things beyond, but they can’t go there. You cannot force genius. Also – you never ‘discover’ that you’re a genius. If you are one, you already know.

            Right now, everyone wants to be a genius, or to be seen as one. The attitude is, if you’re a genius, everything comes easily to you. Absolutely ridiculous. Every ten IQ points you rise up the scale, the job gets harder. And the scale is not linear, it’s logarithmic. Therefore, geniuses have to work a hundred or a thousand times harder than ‘intelligent’ people in order to make a mark in their profession. And when they do succeed, the results are mind-blowing, but look deceptively simple. “Oh, hell, I could do that,” people say. No, you couldn’t. Only Picasso could paint like Picasso. Not your grade-schooler. Only Einstein could’ve come up with the Theory of Relativity. If you could come up with it, why didn’t you? Answer: because you’re not a genius. And I promise you, you really don’t want to be one.

            Well, I’ve wasted too many words on this subject, and I’d rather not come back to this topic again any time soon. So, let’s get our heads out of those smelly, dark places and face the truth, shall we? It is perfectly okay to strive to be better informed, more highly skilled and more artistic. Anyone can do this, and the benefits are obvious. But forget about being a genius. You aren’t one. Just the truth, kiddies.

Be well.

bcd

            From time to time in my files, I notice that I start to repeat myself. This is kinda annoying, but it’s also a strong indicator that I’ve hit a milestone. A few years ago, I noticed that I was endlessly recounting all the mistakes of my past and my trip through insanity. I stopped doing that and moved into living in the present. After that, I realized that I had started yapping about following in da Vinci’s footsteps. I posted a general note to that effect in a number of my files, and that stopped. Now I’m finding myself talking about ‘living beyond fear’.

            While they may be annoying, I do note that these little watershed moments have their own healing and energizing threads. The rant about my past helped me to overcome some of the shadows that still haunted me. The rant about Leonardo helped me to start expanding my vision and gave me the impetus to get back into art. The past, and the present – that’s another thing these two rants represented. My thoughts about becoming courageous are a look into the future. I wonder what this rant will do for me.

            To begin. Discomfort, awkwardness, shyness, fear – these feelings have always indicated to me that I need to turn around and run back to safety. If I were a caveman, this would be a wise thing to do, and would keep me alive longer. It’s the 21^st century – I need to do better than this.

            There are legitimate fears, of course. Driving too fast in a sketchy car or driving anywhere with a drunk behind the wheel, for instance. Standing on the parapet of a tall building without a handhold. Or facing down a group of pissed off strangers with weapons. These are all legitimately dangerous actions; we need to be afraid at such times. But most things that flip that Danger switch in our lizard brains are not actually dangerous, and reacting as if they were simply holds us back from doing incredible things. It’s time to learn the difference between uncomfortable, and actually life-threatening actions. For example:

            Dangerous: stepping out in front of a mob howling for your blood.

            Uncomfortable: stepping out on stage to deliver a speech.

            Dangerous: swimming in a tank filled with hungry sharks.

            Uncomfortable: swimming where you can’t touch the bottom.

            Dangerous: poisonous reptiles and spiders.

            Uncomfortable: the 99% of all other reptiles and spiders that are not.

            Dangerous: falling from a great height.

            Uncomfortable: flying.

            You get the idea. Many things are legitimately dangerous – but they can be coolly analyzed beforehand and understood to be dangerous, and therefore avoided. The things, on the other hand, that engage our emotions immediately and don’t allow logical thought are probably not an issue. You can learn to endure and even enjoy flying, for instance. I was terrified of flying until the age of 23. By the time I was 25 I was doing it for a living.

            I entered the US Air Force at age 24, to become first an officer and then a Navigator. I spent those first two years of my Air Force experience breaking down and smashing through so many personal fears and barriers – it was terrifying and breathtaking. It also felt absolutely amazing. My life and my ways of thinking were changed completely by that experience. Only two other experiences have been as life-altering since: my marriage, and the birth of our son. In every case, I was required to face down fear of some sort and push through it to move forward.

            Since then, I’ve backtracked. I have shied away from many things that I might have attempted, but I was afraid to move. Of course, I always had some excuse for why I couldn’t do it. Whether it was physically scary, like bungie jumping, or just mentally scary, like getting up on a horse, I’ve avoided so many experiences in my life. Now, I’m no adrenaline junkie, so bungie jumping is probably still not likely. But too many other things that have merely made me uncomfortable have stopped me from experiencing new things. The result is a life that’s kinda gray and same-y. This has to end.

            I am reminded that my life was once joyous, wide and epic. I want that again. And now I realize that I don’t have to be jumping out of planes all the time to have a courageous life – there are lots of other risky and glorious things that I can do that won’t break my neck. I don’t have to drive 100 miles an hour to be a badass. I can write books and get them published. Or I can travel around the country, and perhaps even around the world, and experience things I never have before. I can still run races, push personal boundaries and learn new things. I’m old, but not nearly dead.

            Elanor Roosevelt is credited with saying, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” For years, I thought that this saying was just ridiculous tripe. I know better, now. This is the secret that everyone looks for. It’s a very open secret, because everyone knows it, but no one wants to hear it. But it unlocks the power to fulfill all your dreams. Go in the direction of your fears, and you will smash boundaries on all sides. Try to lock the doors and live in safety, and your life will pass you by.

            For too many years now, I have let fear stop me or turn me away from so many things in life. I stayed where I was put, done what I was told, stayed away from dark places and risky ventures, simply because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt, afraid of people’s reactions, afraid of being wrong, afraid of being laughed at. Fear is an emotion, nothing more. Fear cannot harm me. I cannot allow it to dictate the course of my life any further. I will learn to live beyond fear.

            Be well.

            bcd

            My head is in a whirl. My ideas, my dreams, my illusions (because aren’t they all the same thing?) lie shattered around me. I am living through an existential crisis.

            This whole thing was precipitated by walking into a used bookstore. They had a huge selection of bygone authors and classic stories, in all genres. As is typical with such places, the romance section and the science fiction section were fighting for dominance. Most of these books I’ve looked at in the past – especially when my wife was managing a bookstore – but I’ve never read even a tithe of them. And it suddenly hit me – anything I could add to the pile would be completely insignificant. My books and my name would just be one more footnote, one more bygone author to file after Dobson and before Dodge. Forgotten.

            I will never be important. My little stories will get lost in the shuffle, and no one will read them ten years after my death. The same goes for my artwork – I may eventually have a few collectors, but who will care, really? My art is not ground-breaking. None of my singing will ever go on a record. My acting will not be remembered. I am a cipher. A nobody.

            Darkness and depression and despair! If there is one thing I have believed about myself, all my life, either openly or carefully hidden – is that I am meant to be important! I am supposed to be the hero, the mage, the brilliant artist, engineer and philosopher! I am supposed to be the living embodiment of all that’s possible in humanity – a literal Doc Savage, dammit!

            And yet … it’s all a lie, isn’t it?

            I’m very quick to state that most people are not important. They’re interchangeable, like cogs or light bulbs. The greatest share of humanity will never amount to anything – I just didn’t think I was one of them. I’m intelligent, right? Brilliant, even. I’m talented and witty and fun. But I’m also mysterious and dark and conflicted – an edgy anti-hero. I’m a creator! Look at all the stuff I can do…  None of it matters. None of it is important, or startling, or even really new. I’ve been fooling myself this entire time, thinking I was someone special. (And don’t give me that ‘everyone is special’ bullshit – that’s just flat fucking untrue.)

            I can feel the echoes of the Hammer of Truth, vibrating through my psyche. What I felt in that bookstore was the truth, and that I needed to feel it. I even know who swung that hammer at my pretty little house of lies and brought it down. I recognize that God has brought me to this place in order to continue my healing, and I’m grateful for that – at least in theory. But crap, that HURT!

            I’ve said for years, by the way, that most people don’t really know what they’re saying when they call Jesus ‘the Great Physician’. It’s true – he knows precisely what kind of healing we need and when. But what most people miss is that he doesn’t do things the way most doctors do. Most MD’s will start out by relieving the pain, treating symptoms and testing for causes. He already knows the cause, and he opts for surgery from the start – with or without painkillers. Because certain kinds of pain are actually good for you. Suck it up, buttercup.

            I also know that this is God in action, because the one part of me that he applied morphine to was my depressive nature. No need for me to be wallowing around doing more damage to myself. And also – the biggest single hit was to my pride. He wants that dead.

            So. What now? Do I drop all my artistic pretensions, give up writing and painting and acting? I mean, if I’m never going to be great, what’s the point, right? Maybe I should just resign myself to living out my life in the shadows, like so many others, rather than try to be something I can never be. God would be good with that, right? I mean, no chance my pride would get out of control again – and obviously I would want to avoid that. That seems like a safe and logical line of reasoning. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what He had in mind at all.

            I have been granted mighty gifts. He is very clear that He wants me to use them well. Whether any wealth or fame is showered on me by the outside world is not my concern, and completely beside the point. My pride is an issue which I will probably never be free of, this side of Heaven. I am fully aware of my narcissistic nature – I was basically trained to be this way from the cradle up. But I see it now and can avoid much of it. However, the will and ability to create – in a number of different capacities – is in my very bones. I can no more stop creating than I can stop breathing by willing it. And I don’t think He wants that.

            I think that what He really wants me to do, what He wants everyone to do, is to use the gifts we’ve been given – certainly to help others when we can – but just for the sheer joy of doing so. I cannot be responsible for the outcomes, only He can. The answer to this whole business is this: If I am creating in order to be important, or rich or famous – that’s the wrong path. I simply have to create because I can, because I must, for the sheer joy of the task.

            This whole blog has been a long-winded way of saying that my self-importance and my pride need to be squashed and broken. They get in the way of me producing my best work. And whether I am ever remembered for my work is also unimportant. The Work itself must be all. If anyone even reads these words, thank you for your patience. I will try to be better.

            Be well.

            bcd

            The difference between traditional publishing and e-publishing wallowed into my forebrain recently. The differences between them are fairly large. For instance, there are much lower barriers to entry with e-pub than trad-pub, but the market penetration is not as great. With trad-pub, you not only have a much broader reach and more distribution choices, you also have a team to work with you and make sure the right story gets out the door and that the right people see it. This is great, unless, of course, you’d rather do it yourself and keep all the money. But in the end, I think the real difference has to do with the mindset of the author – are you a person who wants to write, or are you a person who wants to have written?

            The person who wants to be known as ‘a Writer’, will usually be happy with one book out in the wild that they can put on their shelf at home and point to and say, “I did that.” It’s bragging rights. E-pub is perfect for people like that. This is, after all, an event – not a career. Good, bad or indifferent, you wrote your book. That’s done – check. On to skydiving, or a Bob Ross painting course or whatever. Next.

            The other kind are people like me, the people who have something they need to say and want to get it out in front of as many other people as possible. This type is more concerned that their book shows up on the shelf next to Robert Ludlum and Nora Roberts. Don’t misunderstand me, this is not necessarily the type that dreams of Bestseller status or stacks of money. That seems more like a pleasant accident or literary prostitution – take your pick. Most of us just want to be seen and be out there where people can pick up our book. In any event, this type is usually best served by trad-pub.

            Neither road is perfect, they both have their pluses and minuses. It’s very difficult to break into traditional publishing. There are only five major publishers in this country, and each only publishes a few thousand titles per year. The smaller houses print far less. Many authors spend years trying to be ‘discovered’. Most won’t be. And even if you do manage to get published by one of the big houses, fame and fortune are not exactly assured. Most new books sell fewer than ten thousand copies – the average is around five thousand. And that’s considered a successful book.

            Conversely, Kindle publishes millions of new books every year, and they’re just one of many e-publishing outlets. The trouble is, there are so many books for readers to look at and buy, that most books sell between a dozen and a few hundred copies, if any. There are too many choices – no one can ever see them all. And while e-pub outlets are willing to help you get the word out about your book, it generally costs you something to get this help. Your other option is to be your own advertising and marketing team. This is certainly a viable option; I know people who do it. But it is one hell of a lot of work. You end up spending so much time pimping your book that you run out of time to write the next one.

            The point is, you have to decide which road is right for you. Don’t decide based on your level of fear or your personal prejudice – take the road you must take to get where you want to go. And be prepared to do the work necessary to get the level of reader response you want.

            I already have a couple of books out in the wild, on Kindle. If you ask me nice, I might even tell you where to find them. But personally, I think I’m going to try the trad-pub route. The reason is simple – even if each book never sells more than ten thousand copies, it’s a better shot at getting my ideas out there than Kindle has given me so far. That, and my stories come in groups and series.

            For instance, I have three series currently under construction (one is actually split in two). My fantasy series about the world of Eregai looks to be truly huge. It has a large cast of characters and covers between 15 and 20 years of narrative. My science fiction series (or is it two?) covers a great deal more territory and a longer span of time. My ‘modern fantasy’ series also has a large cast, but really only follows a few characters closely. Its time scale is in terms of decades. I probably have less than a tenth of any of these stories actually committed to files. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

            And that’s the other reason for me to go the trad-pub route. There’s so much work to be done in just the sheer writing of this stuff, that I don’t really have time to devote to being my own marketing agency. I’m going to have to do some of that, of course, you can’t get away from it anymore. But I don’t have the time to worry about self-promotion. I need others to promote me and my work – which is something that trad-pub does well. So, I’ve done e-pub and, for certain books, I will probably do it again. But I feel I need to give much of my work a much broader audience.

            Right now, I’m trying to finish work on the opening book in my fantasy series, Sonata in the Key of Magic for Three Voices. Once the first couple of edits are done, it will be time for me to start querying literary agents, which is the first step in getting a book traditionally published. Wish me luck. And good luck to you as well, if you are planning on publishing a book – no matter which road you finally choose.

pax et ama

bcd

            It strikes me that most people really don’t have a good idea of how to pray. Especially Christians. My church has been running a series on prayer, and while it’s quite good, I think it still misses the mark a little. Before I go further, I should remind you, the reader – this is my blog, I am a practicing Christian, so if you’re going to insist on getting offended by religious topics, I have a recommendation for you. Stop reading now and go find someone else to read. We’ll all be happier. Thank you. Back to the topic of prayer.

            Let’s explore this for a bit. Jesus was very clear in his position that great shows of piety and prayer in public in general was no bueno. He also didn’t seem to have much to say about forms of prayer. And yet, his disciples were so impressed by his prayer results that they asked him to teach them how to pray. As a response, he gave them the Lord’s Prayer. This brief little document is almost a joke – it touches on general concerns lightly and never dives deep into anything. It takes less than a minute to say. But it’s been held up for centuries as the paragon of prayer. The church even turned it into a rote prayer – kind of like a Buddhist mantra. In fact, it’s only been in the last 50 years or so that Christians have decided that ‘prayer is conversation with God’. While this has been a very liberating concept, and I agree that it’s true (as far as it goes), it seems incomplete. Modern attempts at prayer seem stilted or awkward – like trying to talk to someone at a party who doesn’t really want to talk to you. Lots of uncomfortable silences. It seems we’re doing it wrong, but how do we pray correctly?

            I think that, as usual, Christ was giving us a shorthand for prayer in the Lord’s Prayer. He never said twenty words when 5 would do. Many people over the years have tried to break down and examine the blueprint, with mixed results. Here’s my take.

            “Our Father in Heaven, Holy is your name.”

            A simple address, naming God as Father and praising His holy name. Always a good idea to make it clear that we don’t think we’re anything special as compared to Him.

            “May your Kingdom come, and Your Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.”

            This part kinda clears the board of any attempt on our part to tell God what he needs to do to straighten out all these clods and fools who think they’re running things. Just leave it to Him. His solution will be a whole lot better than anything we could come up with.

            “Please give us the food we need to live today.”

            Can’t get much more direct than that. And just food. No cars or houses or status items, no lottery wins or easy money. Please give us what we actually need. As a side note, this little phrase leads into a central tenet of the idea of ‘living by faith’. Don’t have time for that right now.

            “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.”

            This is a tough one. We want forgiveness from Him, but we understand – and state – that His forgiveness of us should match our forgiveness of others. Ouch. It implies a contract.

            “Please don’t bring us to hard testing but save us from all evil.”

            A lot of people are under the mistaken impression that God tests us to find out what we’re made of. Not true. He tests us to show US what we’re made of. The last part is just reminding Him of his promise to protect us from evil. Doesn’t say anything about whether or not we’re smart enough not to walk into the situation in the first place.

And then (the later addition):

            “For the Kingdom, the Power and the Glory are Yours, now and forever. Amen.”

            More praise, right at the end, added by a later hand, apparently for good measure.

            Okay, can we all agree that this is the boilerplate version of what prayer should be? Fine. Look at it again – no wasted time, no wasted words, no magic spells. Hmm… Let me explain that last bit. Throughout the Bible, God makes it very clear that he doesn’t like magic. And yet, Jesus, Moses, the prophets and the apostles all had signs and wonders clustering around them. What gives? What’s the difference, after all, between magic and miracles? Even Simon the magician was confused in the book of Acts. It’s not really about the power itself, or how it’s used. It’s all about how you get the power.

            See, miracles are handed out directly from God, not conjured by humans. It’s His idea. The ‘miracle worker’ may know a miracle is on the way, but they may not know what it is or who’s receiving it. A magician tries to bribe or cajole or pressure God into doing what the magician wants. That is why it’s bad – you’re wrenching the power out of God’s hands. I think a lot of Christians today are guilty of praying in this way – trying to bribe or cajole or pressure God into doing what they want, rather than trusting that He has the best in mind for them. In short, a certain kind of Christian thinks they’re praying, when what they’re really doing is practicing magic. This does not make God happy.

            So, where are we? When you pray, start and end with praise. This does not have to be a huge display, because it’s not for God – it’s for you. To remind you that he is in control, and to remind you to take an ‘attitude of gratitude’. Yeah, I know – too much sugar – but it’s the truth. Don’t tell Him what you think ought to be done, just bring your concerns to Him. Don’t tell Him how you think things should work out – ask Him. Say please. Don’t spend a lot of time wailing to Him about how poor you are – He knows what you need. And what you really don’t need. And ask for forgiveness, even if – especially if – you don’t think you need forgiving. I promise, you do. No one is so good that they don’t mess up on a daily basis. We all do it. And remember to forgive everyone who injures you or slights you in any way at all. Even the people you’re pretty sure you’ll never see again. Forgiveness isn’t for them – it’s for you. More on that later.

            And think about this: most people have to learn how to carry on a conversation with other people. How much more do we have to learn about carrying on a conversation with God? We’re really bad at this. Most people spend the time other people are talking trying to come up with a pithy rebuttal. You think about three times faster than you talk, after all. And that doesn’t even count the nimrods who are just waiting for a lull in the conversation to pick up their story where they left off. They aren’t even listening. That’s not a conversation, it’s a one-man-show. Boring. How much worse are we at this when ‘talking to God’? More like talking AT Him. The reason we generally don’t hear from God is not because He isn’t responding – we’re talking over Him.

            Be silent. Wait. Listen for His response. He will talk to you if you can turn down the noise in your own head. If you find you can’t silence your inner monologue, ask Him for help with that. You probably won’t ‘hear’ actual words, at least not at first. He is much more likely to lead your thoughts in a certain direction or give you little flashes of insight. When you’ve learned to pay attention to those, He will start teaching you how to hear His voice. He knows very well how unnerving it is for most people to hear the voice of God. He’ll train you if you let Him.

            I cannot claim to hear the physical voice of God. I have never heard actual words striking my ears. On the other hand, I can ‘feel’ what He is saying to me. I can sense when He is pleased or displeased with what I am saying. This has been very helpful. Oh, and here’s a hint – He won’t always tell you what you want to hear. He will tell you what you need to hear. If what you’re hearing rankles your pride – that’s almost always the voice of God. He has very little patience with our vaunted pride. Let those who can understand, hear what I’m saying.

            pax et ama

            bcd

            Well, I finally figured out what my writing problem was – what it had been the whole time. As I thought, I don’t get writer’s block. Instead, I’m a thoughtless procrastinator. What a fool I am and always was. This just rubs me raw. The answer was sitting right in front of me the whole time, but I wouldn’t see it. It’s like playing chess against an opponent who can see that I don’t know what I’m doing and ends the game in three moves – a Fool’s Mate.

            I briefly considered trying to make this habit of mine more positive by labelling it ‘inertia’ or ‘reluctance’ – something that doesn’t necessarily induce guilt. But it really isn’t positive, is it? It’s a nasty little habit, far worse than reading porn or picking my nose. Huh. And here I thought I was being picked on by powers beyond my control. A convenient lie.

            Initially, I thought I was just being lazy. So, I did a Google search on ‘stop being lazy’. That was no help. Every one of the articles, in one way or another, insisted that laziness is not a real thing. They want to ascribe it to trauma or burnout or … who knows what. Not helpful. One author said laziness is usually what we say when we mean procrastination. So, I did a Google search on ‘stop procrastinating’. Bingo.

            I stuck with James Clear, because I’ve read him before and I like his ideas. His position is that most people procrastinate because they don’t have a plan, they don’t have daily goals and they don’t know where to start. He recommended Anthony Trollope and Jerry Seinfeld as models.

            Trollope turned out 42 novels and assorted shorter works by writing at least 250 words every 15 minutes, several times a day. No time for mulling over sentence structure and word choice. He did all this while riding the train every day for his job – as a bank examiner.

            Seinfeld is the richest comedian in history. His method is to take a big calendar – boxes for days, one year at a glance – and write jokes every day. Every day he writes jokes, he gets to put a big red X through that day’s box. The plan is to fill every box. Don’t break the chain. The idea is, if you write 100 jokes, chances are you won’t have enough good material to fill 10 minutes of stage time. But if you write 10,000 jokes, you can fill an hour with great jokes – and an amphitheater with paying customers. Consistency is a superpower – possibly the only one worth having.

            So, James Clear wrote that the way to overcome procrastination is to create a list of small goals, five or six tops, early in the morning or the last thing the night before. These goals cannot take more than an hour to complete, each. The quicker, the better. Then, as you go through the day, you pick one of those goals and you just do it. Get it done. Once it’s done, strike a line through the item and move on. Anything you don’t get done today cycles to tomorrow. No guilt, no shaming, just action. Interesting.

            So, I tried it. I set myself five simple goals, written on a sheet of paper on my desk. One of the goals read: Write 500 words in 45 minutes. Wonder of wonders, I wrote at least 500 words in just under 45 minutes! I also got all but one of the other items done. So, I did it again the next day – same result. And again – and again… In the past three weeks, I have gotten well over 3000 words into a manuscript that hadn’t seen any new material in months. I am gratified and ashamed by turns.

            By the way, the goals have to be quite specific. I’ve been having problems with my art goals on the list because I’m not specific enough about what to draw. I will fix this. All my arts deserve the chance to live and to grow. And write the lists down, every day. I know for a fact that if I skip a day and don’t write anything down, that just gives my procrastination urge permission to waste the day. My perfectionist tendencies are finally under control, I have to get this little beastie in chains, now.

            I’ve promised a couple of people, including a cousin I’m very close with, that I will have this latest manuscript done before the end of the year. With this new goal-setting habit in place, I should be able to keep that promise. The alternative is to put myself in the position of being the victim of another Fool’s Mate. But this time it would be one I walk into with my eyes wide open, and that’s just not acceptable.

            As a final note, I should say that one of my goals for today was to write a blog post. So, here it is, and now it’s done. See – it works every time.

            Be well,

            bcd

            I’ve been going through the grungies lately, so I decided to keep tabs on my thoughts during this process – a kind of diary. These entries come from several different files I’ve kept in the past several years. We start here:

6/18/2023

            I waffle back and forth between anger and frustration at my inability to work, and really just not giving a f*** about anything. I’ve been on a constant diet of music in all forms, probably to keep my artistic child-creature from running off screaming. I’ve been drinking more heavily lately. I would be smoking more, too – but a nasty scratchy feeling in the back of my throat has been warning me away from it. I’m just a mess.

            The question continues to come at me: What if anything can I do about this? And its sister question: Should I be doing anything about this? What if I can’t work because I’m just burned out, or just too tired? I would need a definitive reading on that before I make a possibly rash decision. If all I really need to do is just push through, I’ll do that. But if what I need to do is relax for a bit, I’m not sure how I should manage that.

6/19/2023

            Okay, I came to the conclusion that I was getting dangerously close to burnout. So, I decided to put a hold on all creative output while I gave my brain and my creative ‘juices’ a chance to relax and heal.

            So, what I did today was to start my timer at 11:30 as usual, and then do nothing. No files, no writing, no blog – nothing. I watched YouTube videos most of the day. My brain is not sure what to make of this, yet. But I’m putting no pressure on anything, no expectations. It seems to me that I was rapidly approaching terminal burnout. Let’s hope this has the effect of avoiding that and giving me the space and rest to heal. We shall see.

6/20/2023

            It’s 10 pm, and I just opened this computer for the first time today. That’s amazing. Watched a bunch of YouTube vids again today, most of which I don’t remember. I do remember a couple of videos dealing with burnout. Recognized some of the symptoms from my massive flameout in 2021, and I can see where some of them were coming back. I don’t need that.

            I’m currently in a ‘no creative work’ zone – I need to take this time off to keep from going into full burnout. I will treat this the same way I treat muscle injuries in the gym. Do exercises that don’t involve the injured muscle until some healing is observed. When possible, start back in with light exercises until the muscle is back in good working order, then press on – judiciously. This same treatment should work for my creative muscles as well. It allows me to get back to work in the least time possible.

            I need to avoid full burnout – the time required to heal from that is excessive. In the meantime, I will read, listen to music and watch (some) videos. There’s a couple of animes I’d like to catch up on.

            It’s pitiful – I’ve spent the last six months growling around, trying to pin down why I’ve been avoiding creative work. Every time I thought I’d found the answer, it was just another shadow. This feels like it may be working at last. We shall see.

            Yesterday and today have been very relaxing. I don’t want to wait until next year, however, to get back to work. So here’s the thing – when I feel the spontaneous urge to draw or paint or write, I will do little things. If that works out, I will get back into producing work on the regular, but at an easygoing pace. No deadlines until I’m ready. No pushing until I’m healed.

6/21/2023

            This is day 3 of the fast, and while I still have a kind of tightness in my head, I’m not feeling nearly as stressed as before. I’m finding that it takes almost no effort at all to avoid creative work. At least for now. But I can already feel my nasty little internal critic trying to guilt me into writing or drawing. Part of this healing process will be to bring him to heel – permanently, if possible. I want to be completely in control of my artistic nature, at least as far as I can. Not sure what that looks like.

            So, as I see it, my job for now is to hold myself apart from my creative muse – not to shun her but to let us both rest – always watching the healing process and working back into writing when I can. I need to recover.

            I just made a quick (?) survey of ‘artists dealing with burnout’ on Google. Lots of information, mostly stuff I had already figured out. The biggest points I spotted were to try to recognize burnout in the early stages, and that the best cure is rest. The second best seems to be – do something completely different. I’m reminded of the TED Talk about ‘slow motion multitasking’ – how being unable to work on one project is just a good reason to work on a different one. It seems that this only works for me if I’m not already shut down. Like now. The best part of all this is – now that I have all this information on burnout, I’m no longer afraid of it. My stress drops quickly.

6/22/2023

            Apparently, there are several versions or levels of burnout, and a large percentage of artists go through one or another of these versions. Many artists express the idea that they just take on too many jobs or commissions, or that they have pressing managerial tasks that crowd out their creative time. While I have yet to experience these issues, I can see where they can cause problems. It’s unwise to mix the managerial and executive tasks in the same 24-hour period. Too many people do that, I think, with the false conviction that they should do as much as possible all the time. That kind of thinking leads inevitably to burnout. It seems to me that the more dramatic versions of artistic cramping are usually left to the artists who are naturally prone to drama and excess. I hope I am not one of those.

            As I go through this investigation into the types and causes of burnout, I begin to feel a kind of strength or resilience growing in me. Knowledge is indeed power. I have no idea how much longer this break will go, but I’m beginning to feel confident in the outcome.

6/24/2023

            Alright. Six days into this little experiment in decompression, and I’m feeling much better. Still not going to do any kind of creative work just yet, but I’m beginning to want to. I consider that a very good sign.

6/26/2023

            I’m going to see if my ‘vacation’ is over yet. I’ll try something simple – a blog post.

            Okay – nope, nope… not yet. That’s fine. I opened a bunch of files today but didn’t do any work in them. Again, fine. I already said I’m taking this slow.

6/27/2023

            Okay, I walked in the door in a shitty mood, so this is the best place to bitch about it.

            I don’t know what the issue is this time, but I have my suspicions. I’ve been going through this decompression from burnout since last Monday. That makes this Day 9 without any creative outlet. My workout last night was okay but not sparkling. Got tired early. I got up to run this morning and couldn’t get traction. Walked a half mile. I was hungry walking out the door. I’ve had my breakfast now, but I’m still feeling hungry. This could go badly. I had a green pill already, and while it’s calmed me down a bit – I’m still grouchy. This is more than an episode.

            This is probably some kind of burnout backlash. I’m feeling miserable, for no obvious reason. I am currently in better shape – mentally, physically and spiritually – than most. And yet I feel like shit. So, this is an illusion of some kind, but if it’s buried somewhere deep in my psyche, it still has the power to wound and to kill. I do not have the tools or the knowledge to root out the problem. Sux, it does.

6/28/2023

            It feels like the creative juices are beginning to flow in my head. I’ll take another shot at doing a blog today.

            Well, lookee there.

            This was a very long-winded blog post. But I felt it was necessary to chronicle my recent journey through the ugliness that is artistic burnout. This horrible, hopeless, headachy grind can do permanent damage to any artist if ignored or not taken seriously. Some artists have become so thoroughly damaged that it takes them years to recover, if at all. Currently, I feel like I can resume my work, but in a much looser, freer fashion. I shall rest or work as I feel capable, at least until I regain my full strength. I will try to create a second blog in a few weeks to let you know how it’s going. Until then –

            Be well.

            bcd