I’ve been going through the grungies lately, so I decided to keep tabs on my thoughts during this process – a kind of diary. These entries come from several different files I’ve kept in the past several years. We start here:
6/18/2023
I waffle back and forth between anger and frustration at my inability to work, and really just not giving a f*** about anything. I’ve been on a constant diet of music in all forms, probably to keep my artistic child-creature from running off screaming. I’ve been drinking more heavily lately. I would be smoking more, too – but a nasty scratchy feeling in the back of my throat has been warning me away from it. I’m just a mess.
The question continues to come at me: What if anything can I do about this? And its sister question: Should I be doing anything about this? What if I can’t work because I’m just burned out, or just too tired? I would need a definitive reading on that before I make a possibly rash decision. If all I really need to do is just push through, I’ll do that. But if what I need to do is relax for a bit, I’m not sure how I should manage that.
6/19/2023
Okay, I came to the conclusion that I was getting dangerously close to burnout. So, I decided to put a hold on all creative output while I gave my brain and my creative ‘juices’ a chance to relax and heal.
So, what I did today was to start my timer at 11:30 as usual, and then do nothing. No files, no writing, no blog – nothing. I watched YouTube videos most of the day. My brain is not sure what to make of this, yet. But I’m putting no pressure on anything, no expectations. It seems to me that I was rapidly approaching terminal burnout. Let’s hope this has the effect of avoiding that and giving me the space and rest to heal. We shall see.
6/20/2023
It’s 10 pm, and I just opened this computer for the first time today. That’s amazing. Watched a bunch of YouTube vids again today, most of which I don’t remember. I do remember a couple of videos dealing with burnout. Recognized some of the symptoms from my massive flameout in 2021, and I can see where some of them were coming back. I don’t need that.
I’m currently in a ‘no creative work’ zone – I need to take this time off to keep from going into full burnout. I will treat this the same way I treat muscle injuries in the gym. Do exercises that don’t involve the injured muscle until some healing is observed. When possible, start back in with light exercises until the muscle is back in good working order, then press on – judiciously. This same treatment should work for my creative muscles as well. It allows me to get back to work in the least time possible.
I need to avoid full burnout – the time required to heal from that is excessive. In the meantime, I will read, listen to music and watch (some) videos. There’s a couple of animes I’d like to catch up on.
It’s pitiful – I’ve spent the last six months growling around, trying to pin down why I’ve been avoiding creative work. Every time I thought I’d found the answer, it was just another shadow. This feels like it may be working at last. We shall see.
Yesterday and today have been very relaxing. I don’t want to wait until next year, however, to get back to work. So here’s the thing – when I feel the spontaneous urge to draw or paint or write, I will do little things. If that works out, I will get back into producing work on the regular, but at an easygoing pace. No deadlines until I’m ready. No pushing until I’m healed.
6/21/2023
This is day 3 of the fast, and while I still have a kind of tightness in my head, I’m not feeling nearly as stressed as before. I’m finding that it takes almost no effort at all to avoid creative work. At least for now. But I can already feel my nasty little internal critic trying to guilt me into writing or drawing. Part of this healing process will be to bring him to heel – permanently, if possible. I want to be completely in control of my artistic nature, at least as far as I can. Not sure what that looks like.
So, as I see it, my job for now is to hold myself apart from my creative muse – not to shun her but to let us both rest – always watching the healing process and working back into writing when I can. I need to recover.
I just made a quick (?) survey of ‘artists dealing with burnout’ on Google. Lots of information, mostly stuff I had already figured out. The biggest points I spotted were to try to recognize burnout in the early stages, and that the best cure is rest. The second best seems to be – do something completely different. I’m reminded of the TED Talk about ‘slow motion multitasking’ – how being unable to work on one project is just a good reason to work on a different one. It seems that this only works for me if I’m not already shut down. Like now. The best part of all this is – now that I have all this information on burnout, I’m no longer afraid of it. My stress drops quickly.
6/22/2023
Apparently, there are several versions or levels of burnout, and a large percentage of artists go through one or another of these versions. Many artists express the idea that they just take on too many jobs or commissions, or that they have pressing managerial tasks that crowd out their creative time. While I have yet to experience these issues, I can see where they can cause problems. It’s unwise to mix the managerial and executive tasks in the same 24-hour period. Too many people do that, I think, with the false conviction that they should do as much as possible all the time. That kind of thinking leads inevitably to burnout. It seems to me that the more dramatic versions of artistic cramping are usually left to the artists who are naturally prone to drama and excess. I hope I am not one of those.
As I go through this investigation into the types and causes of burnout, I begin to feel a kind of strength or resilience growing in me. Knowledge is indeed power. I have no idea how much longer this break will go, but I’m beginning to feel confident in the outcome.
6/24/2023
Alright. Six days into this little experiment in decompression, and I’m feeling much better. Still not going to do any kind of creative work just yet, but I’m beginning to want to. I consider that a very good sign.
6/26/2023
I’m going to see if my ‘vacation’ is over yet. I’ll try something simple – a blog post.
Okay – nope, nope… not yet. That’s fine. I opened a bunch of files today but didn’t do any work in them. Again, fine. I already said I’m taking this slow.
6/27/2023
Okay, I walked in the door in a shitty mood, so this is the best place to bitch about it.
I don’t know what the issue is this time, but I have my suspicions. I’ve been going through this decompression from burnout since last Monday. That makes this Day 9 without any creative outlet. My workout last night was okay but not sparkling. Got tired early. I got up to run this morning and couldn’t get traction. Walked a half mile. I was hungry walking out the door. I’ve had my breakfast now, but I’m still feeling hungry. This could go badly. I had a green pill already, and while it’s calmed me down a bit – I’m still grouchy. This is more than an episode.
This is probably some kind of burnout backlash. I’m feeling miserable, for no obvious reason. I am currently in better shape – mentally, physically and spiritually – than most. And yet I feel like shit. So, this is an illusion of some kind, but if it’s buried somewhere deep in my psyche, it still has the power to wound and to kill. I do not have the tools or the knowledge to root out the problem. Sux, it does.
6/28/2023
It feels like the creative juices are beginning to flow in my head. I’ll take another shot at doing a blog today.
Well, lookee there.
This was a very long-winded blog post. But I felt it was necessary to chronicle my recent journey through the ugliness that is artistic burnout. This horrible, hopeless, headachy grind can do permanent damage to any artist if ignored or not taken seriously. Some artists have become so thoroughly damaged that it takes them years to recover, if at all. Currently, I feel like I can resume my work, but in a much looser, freer fashion. I shall rest or work as I feel capable, at least until I regain my full strength. I will try to create a second blog in a few weeks to let you know how it’s going. Until then –
Be well.
bcd